I clearly remember one day when I hit rock bottom.
Reference: v.2 Bitterly she weeps at night, tears are upon her cheeks. Among all her lovers there is none to comfort her. All her friends have betrayed her; they have become her enemies. (NIV Bible)
We all go through tough times. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for a number of years but to no avail. Going on fertility drugs totally messed with my emotions. I’m usually a pretty stable person but I was finding myself crying at the drop of a hat. We hadn’t spoken to anyone about what we were doing and so all our grieving was done in private. I clearly remember one day when I hit rock bottom. Another month had passed and there was still no success and one little thing had happened at work to set me off. I couldn’t bring myself to go home and so I started driving around our local area. I pulled over into a park and just burst into tears. I felt so alone, so empty and that no one – not even my husband – could understand what I was going through. My tears flowed down my face and my sobs filled the car. The Spirit reminded me that everything was in God’s hands but I pleaded with God, ‘Just let me grieve for a moment. And so I realised that God was giving me space. He was still there, and would never leave me, but he recognised my need to grieve too.
I have been a SCRUGE
the title for this post sums up my mood lately, which is why I suck at being a good blogger LATELY...
although I could care less what I get for Christmas (which let's be honest, no one can give me, not even Santa), I do pride myself in finding the perfect gifts for my family. shopping and wrapping gifts has been oddly therapeutic.
my true holiday funk didn't really sink in until this week. sending Christmas cards has become a dreaded (and boycotted) event over the past few years. my husband insists on it, and I could give two sh#ts. please, let me send you another Christmas card that highlights the fact that we are still not parents. you will not see the words joyful, merry and bright, the happiest season of all, or any other phrase that would express that I enjoy this time of year on our Christmas 2014 cards. (So there were no cards sent out)